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Sunday, May 4, 2003 02:37 p.m.
LazeeMuthaFooka
*lazes around*
*yawn*
*is whacked on head*
Owowowowow! What was that for???
Visitor to site: Dude, you haven't updated y0 site in ages and there's no excuse cos it's y0 blurday holidays now!
Oh poo, I don't feel like drawing anything... -_-;
Visitor: *whacks with iron fan* DRAW! NOW!
X_O;;; Ok ok! No need to get physical!!! *drags self to cluttered desk*
It's too messy! I can't draw with that mess y0! *sulks*
Visitor: *sweeps everything off desk* NOW YOU CAN!
Bah... Slavedriver....... >_>
Thursday, May 1, 2003 09:58 p.m.
Kiriban!
Ooooh. 4 more hits to 22222 kiriban! Argh, I need to do memorial art! I'm now back at home so no more 24/7 onlineness anymore :D But we're getting broadband soon, so the speed will be faster than the damn 56K modem I have now. Argh. I've been asked to get a livejournal so that Sena n Ka can bugger me XD Ok... Dun really know how those things work anyway. Oh well. Asking Muromi for advice now. But then again, I dun think I will get one cos this one works just FINE.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003 07:05 a.m.
最後の試験
あっとわ最後の試験。とても恐いです。でもさ嬉しいです。試験わ終りだ！万歳！
Tuesday, April 29, 2003 11:31 a.m.
Make me mad, make me sad, make me feel alright
I've been trying to sleep because I'm having a bad headache now but all I've managed to do is to drift in and out of consciousness and have weird disturbing dreams in between which fortunately I do not remember when I wake up for real. But then again, there's this niggling feeling that I've left something undone and like I'm still feeling half in and half out of reality, like basically now I may be typing this in my subconcious. So what exactly is reality? To quote Matrix "Have you ever had a dream so real..." I can't remember the rest of the words lol Ok... I'm still half-awake I guess. But crazily as I come to type this, I remember dreaming about Keanu Reeves last night. Oh dear... Am I going nuts for real?
Monday, April 28, 2003 08:27 a.m.
Metanna!
No vivid dreams these days. Sigh :D However, I've been working very hard at drawing comics these days @_@ I think I've turned out about 3-4 short comics in 3 days, mostly LotR inspired. Yes, I AM in a LotR craze now.
Friday, April 25, 2003 04:25 a.m.
Yes Yes Yes!
I seriously think my blog is kinda more like my journal for lucid dreaming. This is like the third dream entry I'm writing lol This one just happened as I dozed off while reading my notes on Old English for the paper in 4 hours.
I dreamt that I was one of the Galadhrim who were helping the humans at Helm's Deep. We were ordered by someone (I dunno who, Haldir probably, or Aragorn, everything was just like in the movie, wet, dark and gloomy) to stand ready and be prepared to shoot at the orcs. So what happened was that I didn't know how to use the bow and was fumbling about with it as I looked around at my companions. The damn elf standing on my right was like having 3 arrows cocked and ready on his bow and I couldn't even pull the bowstring! The agony of being not a graceful elf was burning shamefully across my cheeks when I looked to the left and guess who I saw...
Yes yes, of all elves, it was Legolas! Mein Gott! >_< Him! So like I finally managed to get ONE solitary arrow across the wall and then we were ordered to stand down and take cover because the Uruk Hai were catapulting stones set aflame across the wall. As usual, Legolas was acting all bravado and still shooting arrows when most of us were kinda like crouching and he was standing there like some "Shoot me shoot me!" target. I had no choice but to manhandle (or elfhandle) him to the ground. (I couldn't just let him get killed could I?)
So the main point of the dream was that I got to touch Legolas XD Yes! Hahahaha... *goes back to study*
Thursday, April 24, 2003 03:13 a.m.
If destiny had been different...
Have you ever had the experience of going to sleep, and then having a dream, which was so vivid that when you wake up, you're not sure where you are? That even when you're fully awake, all that clings in your head is the memory of that dream and every single little detail you experienced in it? And then when you wake up and finally find yourself where you are now, in reality, you suddenly feel such abject despair that you wanted to kill yourself?
I just did.
I've found that naps for me are one of the surest ways to get the weirdest dreams. I just lie on bed, utterly tired, and doze off for 2-3 hours and wham I wake up and I have to do a reality check on my life. God I feel like crying now. I so wish I was back in the dreamworld and not this sad plane we call reality. In my dream, I had love, but even though it wasn't forever, at least it was real true love, like a match, flaring in that instance, the fiery passion consuming but then, dying again in a blink of an eye, fading away into the darkness.
He was so young.
I bother... Bing bong, reality check *hits self on head* It's only a bloody dream... But... Yet, I can still feel the touch of his lips on mine... *wails*
Wednesday, April 23, 2003 07:24 a.m.
off into the sunset
On that last note, I hate myself too. Why? Because of all my speeling and gramma mistakeks and crappy typos which I committed in the previous post and did not see until it was posted up. Grrrrr...
So I'm gratified that someone actually reads my blog and cares for my welfare :) Hey MG, you be one of the best buds around. Hope that our friendship can last forever even though I still barely know you. While sometimes I can't stand you because of the blatant differences in our personalities and backgrounds, I think you're a really nice guy and I wish you all the best in all your endeavours. I'll support you all the way, unless what you're doing really disses me off :P
So anyway, wish me luck guys, as I go off for a real killer paper. I haven't slept for two days and I'm feeling real lightheaded and woozy now but I'm awake. Yes I am. I think *bonk*
Whoa whoa! I almost conked out for a while there! No can do! I might miss my paper I studied my ass off for! So anyways, ch!LL dudes!
PS: Thinking on what MG said to me just now (like maybe 3-4 hours ago) I might start a weekly webcomic based on my life. Like a diary webcomic yeah. It's gonna be real boring because I have like nil sense of humour. What? You think I'm funny? Why thank you! For lying through your teeth >:B
Monday, April 21, 2003 10:29 a.m.
One of my friends or acquaintances or just someone I know once told me that I don't know who I am or what I want to be. I never really did realise the import of that statement until just now, when I just woke up and was lying in bed thinking about my life.
All my life, I've been really cloistered and stuff. My parents have been really strict and stuff but they've always managed to provide me with all the basics of life and more. They've indulged in my excesses like all my gaming needs and letting me draw and stuff. I have to honestly say that I have been taking all that mostly for granted. I mean I don't even put all my heart into completing the tens of games my father uses his hard earned money to buy for me. I just assume that they are there and always will be when I want them. I'm like their most precious child and have and always will be and for that, I'm very thankful for their love and I really love them and will be devastated should anything happen to them. And I don't ever want to break their hearts or cause them any harm or anything.
All my life, I feel as if that I've only been living for the approval of other people. I've been living for the approval of my parents since I was born, that I'd do anything for them, to live up to their expectations of me. I've been first in class, become a prefect, chairperson of the badminton society in secondary school, classhead in junior college, got a scholarship so that they don't have to pay for my college tuition fees and such. So they can pay attention to my two younger sisters, which contrary to what I've been telling anyone, love with all my heart. I've always wanted to be my parents pride and joy, and I've done so.
I've never done anything bad at all in my life and the only bad I've ever committed are all in my head. Things I imagine myself doing but never really do. If I really did put down what I thought were bad things, I'd be laughed at, because they're probably all the minor excesses of people who actually have a life out there, things they shrug off as an essential part of their lives and shit. That's the difference between me and them. And I only ever really knew how innocent and naive I was until I got into college and met other people, people who've had a different life from mine, when I'd assume and taken for granted that everyone would be on the same footing as me.
I come a middle income family, not poor, not rich, we get by and more. And I dunno. I dunno what to say anymore. I don't spend money like I have all the riches in the world and neither do I not spend money like I have nothing in the world. I just spend as and when I want to and in this chaotic times, I have to be thankful that both my parents are even working stable jobs, not to even say that I'd get pocket money every week I go home and that I'd actually have a stable job when I come out of college and not have to go through the pain and torture of job hunting. My life has been plain sailing all the way, with minor hiccups here and there and I've yet to suffer a serious setback. I might have thought I did, but it's all in my head and I have to say I'm a bloody fortunate person to be who I am.
Therein lies the main problem. Who am I? As I've said before, I've always tried to live up to the expectations of the people around me and that means living up to their view of WHO I am too. My life has been nothing less of shallow and facetiousness. I don't have a soul, a spirit of my own and I just do and hope to be anything anyone else wanted. I've managed to sum up the not so tragedy of my life and that is that I've always wanted to be what I probably never was and never will be.
I've always craved for attention since young but who doesn't. I just take it too seriously. I don't go for attention in the extreme ways like playing a fool, but by being the essential goody-two-shoes. Even now, much as I'd like to portray myself as worldly and knowing, I'm actually an out-and-out prude and things some people say actually shock me. But I keep mum about my honest feelings of the subject matter and just doggedly try to follow on with what the other party is saying, hoping to live up to their image of what I should be. That's why I say I'm schizo to a certain extent. I'm never the same person to 2 different people, I'm inconsistent with my exterior and that is because I want, hope and wish to be what that person thinks I am. There is no real me. I don't even know what is the real me.
Like say in Deviantart, I play the essential angsty American teen type, when in my heart, I'm actually a real happy-go-lucky person. I like to laugh. I like to make people laugh. I like to clown around. I like to mother people. And that's the sad honest truth. But yet I try to fit myself into the angsty-teen-goth-wannabe mould, which is not who I am. And now I find that this skin is starting to make me itch. IN fact, to tell the God honest truth, I hate goths. I can't stand them. What's there to be so morbid about in this world? There's so much to rejoice in life and yet they choose to be anally retentive and to chronically depressed.
That comes to another thing. All the depressions I "seem" to be going through. I'm not really depressed and I can never ever be depressed. I'm too stupid to be depressed. I just FAKE depression because it's so in. The "IN" thing yanno. And that shows how shallow I really am. I try to go with the other flow, to be the minority and to be cool and crap and that's all that it is, crap. Trying to follow trends and stuff is crap. I think that one should just be oneself and yet I never subscribe to my own thoughts and feelings. I subscribe to the thoughts and feelings of others. I want to be what other people are and yet all my life, I've never really been accepted as a more normal and average person, and that's just who I am. I have weird interests, I listen to weird music (and whatever I fuckin like thank you) and that's just it. I don't think that being an artist, one needs to be melancholy and shit and artist type people can lead normal lives too, as much as their artistic nature can make them. I can't stand how some artists out there in the net always seem to like acting depressed and crap. But then that comes around to the fact THAT I follow them and be depressed and shiot.
I need to take a lesson in life and that is to really be who I want to be and stop taking shiot from other people just because I am not who they want me to be. I'm sorry but it's just me that I like to run away from things I do not like and totally erase them from my life as if they've never happen. Sorry if YOU bloody think otherwise but that's my fuckin life and I like it the way it is. I'm sorry if you think that being part of your groupie, I must take all the crap you throw at me but from now on, when I say NO, I mean it. I'm sorry if I like to live the life of a hermit and only exclusively have as few friends as possible and then complain about how lonely I am when I made myself this way because that's the way I am. I like to complain, I like to whine, I like to make a lotta noise but deep down inside, I'm happy. So bear with all my shiot and I'd bear yours. I'm sorry if I believe that everything in life should be balanced and that for everything someone does, there must be something else done to balance that out. There can never be too much good and evil because essentially, they are the Yin and the Yang and if this balance is gone, there would be chaos. I'm sorry I hate Christianity but not the people who are Christians or anything. I just hate the devout people who think they have a mission in life to convert everyone they think is a pagan, heathen and barbarian to the worship of what they believe is the one true God. Hey dude, get a grip. Who do you think you are to make other people think the way you do? If I don't like your God, I don't like him and just leave it as that. Don't rub me in the face with this shiot or you'd regret it. I don't believe in forcing someone to believe in something he doesn't. And I don't believe in God. I don't believe in this omnipresent being. I only believe in destiny and fate and that life is not a straight path and there are many many brances, not just crossroads and each branch is a decision you make in life everyday even like what to eat for breakfast and whether I should buy that pair of shoes. Every single little detail makes up your life and what you are.
I apologise too much. I like to be in roles of leadership even though I know nuts about being a good leader. I like to joke about everything and I see life as a great big joke waiting to happen. I like to make witty remarks to see people laugh. If my wit doesn't get to you, SORRY, duh, you are not on my plane of existence. I hate talking to idiots yet I think I'm an idiot. I want to be the shoulder everyone cries on but if I think you're an idiot, don't come bring your sad sorry life to me. I like to be a smartass, I like to flaunt my knowledge of things I know and I have a bloody big ego. Yet I have a bloody lazy view on life that things will come as they do. I don't like to work hard at stuff and yet I can't stand it when someone does better than me. I envy, I yearn, I get jealous. Much as I'd like to be the best and to kick other people's asses, I'm essentially TOO lazy to do anything like that. I don't like being pushed to do things I can do and yet will not do for the sake of living life at my own pace. Yet I still do it for you and that shows that I actually care about what you think of me. You should only start to be worried when I start ignoring you. That's when you know I'm starting to clean up my life and I'm sweeping away the debris which is you.
Poo, I'm getting a bloody headache from thinking too much about my life and that goes against my basic tenements of life. And one more thing. I HATE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T SPELL PROPERLY OR HAVE DISGUSTING GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.
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